The best article I've read on Obergefell v. Hodges

I've skimmed dozens of articles both before and after the Supreme Court's decision on Obergefell v. Hodges was handed down last week.  Most of them I'd begin to read, then grow bored and end up scanning paragraphs to see if there was anything truly new or intriguing or interesting.  For the most part, the articles I read seemed to miss the fundamental issues in the case, those lying more deeply than the demise of democracy in America.

But fortunately, I clicked on a new article this morning -- "Creation and the future of marriage" by Los Angeles' Archbishop Jose Gomez.  It is very much worth reading and sharing.

If I could, I would paste the entire column here, but instead I will share a piece or two, and send you on your way to Angelus: The Tidings Online to read it in full.  Bookmark it.  Share it.  Reread it.  Archbishop Gomez has really found the pulse of the problem, digging far deeper to find a remedy than most everyone else.

But the opinion of the five justices in the Court’s majority reflects the passions and priorities of many who lead and shape our society in the areas of law, government, education, science, industry and the media.

In fact, Obergefell expresses the same “anthropocentric” and “technocratic” mentality that Pope Francis warns about in his new encyclical, Laudato Si’ (“Praised Be”).

At the heart of this mentality is a rejection of the idea of creation and human nature. Everything — the natural world, our social institutions, our physical bodies, even our very “selves” — everything becomes a kind of “raw material” that we can engineer according to our will, using technology, psychology and even law and social policy. 

This “technocratic” mindset explains the audacious tone of the Obergefell ruling. The Court expresses noble thoughts about the “transcendent” purposes of marriage and its importance as a “keystone” of our social order. It acknowledges that marriage has existed “for millennia and across civilizations.”

But the five justices in the Court’s majority do not accept that human sexuality and marriage are part of the order of creation. For them, these are just “constructs” that we are free to “re-construct” according to our preferences.
That is why these justices can assume they have the wisdom to “recreate” this institution that has been the foundation of human civilization. That is why they can presume the power to discard the definition of marriage that has existed since the beginning of history — as the lifelong union of one man and one woman.

Be sure to read the entire piece here.

If I had five minutes to present at the Extraordinary Synod ...

Now I know that I am not, nor ever will be, an invited guest at the Synod.  There are married couples present in the discussions right now from around the world.  Most, if not all, of the couples have been married for decades and lead various marriage preparation or enrichment programs across the globe.  They have all been given a few minutes to speak to the Holy Father and the 200 or so bishops in attendance.  Their statements have also been disseminated to the public through the Vatican Press Office.

Knowing that I am not a national or world marriage leader, nor a veteran of a marriage spanning decades, as the Synod unfolds, there are still a few things I wish I could say -- that someone would say -- to the Synod fathers.  It would be something like this ...

Holy Father Pope Francis, Cardinals and Bishops of the world -- thank you for making marriage and the family such a priority that you are dedicating two Synods -- an "extraordinary" and an "ordinary" -- to these topics.  Thank you for wanting to bring the beautiful truth of these teachings to the world.  Thank you for recognizing the struggles and graces of family life and seeking to better understand so as to articulate the incredible identity of the family.

It is certainly no secret that marriage and the family are under great attack in our world.  This is manifested in differing ways by continent, country and region.  I believe, however, that all of these attacks have one thing at heart.  It is what St. John Paul II referred to in his encyclical letter, "Evangelium Vitae" as the "eclipse of the sense of God and of man."

The crisis of marriage and family is fundamentally, I believe, a crisis of anthropology.  We do not know who we are.  Formed strongly by the industrial, sexual and technological revolutions, we think we are what we do, the pleasure we obtain and the speed at which we can obtain objects and pleasure.  We, as a culture, as a world, are massively confused about what it means to be human; what love, freedom, sacrifice, truth, suffering, conscience, sexuality, our very bodies are and mean.  

It's a common misconception that the Church's "rules" are arbitrary and perhaps even vindictive sentences from a group of celibate men.  It is widely believed that Church teaching is not rooted in anything, is not valid or thoughtful or for our own good.  

This is what we need you to teach and preach and live and encourage.  The world needs to know that because of who we are -- and because of who God is -- we are called and invited to live accordingly.  We need to know that the Church doesn't give us arbitrary rules but a beautiful plan to be authentically human.  We need to know that openness to life isn't something we should grit our teeth and bear, but something we are blessed to receive.  We need to know that same-sex attraction doesn't make a person evil or undermine their dignity, but that same-sex sexual encounters cannot fulfill us.  We need to know that cohabitation isn't "test driving" commitment, but instead that we are capable of the radical risk of giving our life to our spouse.

We don't just need to hear about controversial teachings, though these are important.  We need to hear that marriage is a Sacrament, a vocation, a path to holiness.  We need to hear that marriage is a privileged way of revealing God's love to the world.  We need to hear the stories of married saints whose family life was heroically lived.  We need to hear Mass petitions for families.  We need to be sent forth with confidence that God's grace makes love possible.

We need to be challenged.  We live in a culture of mediocrity.  We are told consistently not to strive for higher things -- in fact, that we are incapable of higher things.  The Church is the lone voice stating confidently, "You are called to be more!"  This is a compliment, not an insult.  We need to hear it, to know it, to believe it.

We need mercy, yes, but we also need truth.  In fact, the two belong together.  To receive both of these, we need to know who we are.  And this brings us back to the beginning (literally, to the beginning of these thoughts and to the "beginning" of Genesis).  Holy Father, Cardinals and Bishops, you have been entrusted with so much goodness and beauty -- promoting and safeguarding the Catholic faith in the world today.  We need you to remind us of who we are, who the family is, who God is, and what He is calling each of us to live.  We don't need the truth to be watered down; we need it to be lovingly expressed.  

Please don't forget that the Church's teaching on marriage and family is beautiful.  What a gift to the world if you could remind us of that, encourage us to embrace that beauty and renew our confidence that this beauty is possible.  

A beautiful witness of the cross of SSA

I know sitting down to watch an hour-long television program on same-sex attraction isn't on most people's to-do list, but I can't recommend this interview with Daniel Mattson enough.  A couple of weeks ago I was able to watch Courage's new documentary, "Desire of the Everlasting Hills," which was really an excellent conversation with three people who have same-sex attraction telling their stories.  Each was compelling in their own way, and by the end I felt as if I knew them.  

Yesterday I was reading the blog, "Letters to Christopher," which I have perused before, and I realized that the Daniel of the blog is the Daniel in "Desire of the Everlasting Hills," and the same Daniel whose Crisis Magazine article I recently read and found a tremendously articulated summary of the Church's teaching.  So, after all that I couldn't help but watch his recent Life on the Rock appearance, which was shared on his blog.  I highly encourage you to as well:

Prayers for marriage

On Wednesday, a court room in Cincinnati will be the scene of arguments and a decision about the definition of marriage in four different states, including Ohio.  It's time to pray for the lawyers, judges and all those involved, that the sanctity of marriage will be upheld.  Let's not give into thoughts of inevitability, but instead be hopeful that marriage's authentic meaning will be affirmed.

The Third Way

What seems to be the most contentious teaching of the Catholic Church today?  I would argue it's about same-sex attraction and whether or not two people of the same-sex can marry.  So, it's a great gift -- much-needed gift -- that we have been given in "The Third Way," a documentary that seeks to share what the Church teaches and why (love!).  

The film has a mixture of testimonies from Catholics who have same-sex attraction, as well as clips from well-known Catholic speakers.  

It's definitely worth the 38 minutes.  Watch and share.


The Third Way from Blackstone Films on Vimeo.

Questions from Credo ... follow up

Last week I answered several questions from the Credo youth retreat related to same-sex attraction.  Hopefully they were helpful to you.  If you'd like to read all of those posts, you can find them here.

I also wanted to share a few sources that might be of interest if you are looking for more information.

• The Catechism of the Catholic Church on homosexuality (paragraphs 2357-2359).
• Courage -- a support group for those with same-sex attraction who desire to live chastely.
• "One Man, One Woman: A Catholic's Guide to Defending Marriage" by Dale O'Leary
• The Ruth Institute -- an organization dedicated to assisting young people in appreciating the gift of marriage. 
• Marriage: Unique for a Reason -- This website sponsored by the US Bishops includes great information about the Church's teaching on marriage, gender and same-sex attraction. 
• "Homosexuality and the Catholic Church: Clear Answers to Difficult Questions" by Fr. John Harvey
• Chastity Project -- Jason Evert's new website includes videos, talks, quotes and blog posts about chastity, same-sex attraction and related topics.

I hope that in all of the posts in the last week, you were able to see the beauty of the Church's teaching -- beautiful but difficult.  It is only because God loves us so much that we are challenged to live in a way that corresponds with the dignity God gave us.  

It's also important to remember that the Church holds two things together at all times -- the dignity of the human person, regardless of who he or she is attracted to and the understanding that same-sex actions are wrong.  It can be easy to overemphasize one or the other, but we must hold both together.  

Questions from Credo ... What about friends who aren't open?

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q. What should you do if you have friends that do have same-sex attractions but aren't open to the Church or even hearing the Word of God?

A. This can be a frustrating situation if you want to share the beauty of the Church's teaching, but don't be discouraged!  Perhaps God will place opportunities in your path to verbally share your faith with your friends.  Perhaps not.  But your silent witness is always speaking, even when you are not aware of it.  If you are living a life in Christ, then your joy will show, and your friends will wonder where it comes from.

The Church's teaching on same-sex attraction/actions is not a laundry list of "no's" and negatives.  Rather, it's a beautiful, positive teaching about love, marriage and family that involves "no's" to the things that do not fully embrace God's plan.  So, rather than focus on what not to do, you can be a witness of the beauty of the Church's teachings on chastity and love.  

If you are able to speak to your friends, you might want to ask them a simple question, "Are you really happy?"  Since the Church offers us good news that -- while entailing suffering and sacrifice -- brings us joy and peace, you have a unique gift to offer your friends. 

You are also able to pray for your friends, to be present to them, to be open to listening to them without condemning them.  It's important to remember that if we are called to speak we are called to speak the truth and in love.  Both must be present!

Questions from Credo ... Talking to our friends, whether Catholic or not

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q. So how do we explain this to our friends?  Is there a non-Catholic explanation?  If we proclaim the truth with love, is there a good personal experience of how to do this?

A. Great questions!

First, how do we explain this to our friends?  We have to be always compassionate and understanding instead of argumentative or rude.  It's important to ask questions and listen, instead of simply speaking.  When we do talk about same-sex attraction, we need to keep the big questions in mind too. -- What is gender?  Who is God?  Who am I?  What is the purpose of sex?  What is the purpose of marriage?  Frequently, we become fixated on surface-level questions which don't engage the heart of the issue.  The more deeply we probe, the more we are able to see why the Church teaches what she does.  

Secondly, there are many non-Catholic ways to discuss this issue.  In fact, the Ruth Institute offers 77 reasons to support marriage between one man and one woman.  Rather than reproduce many of these arguments, I suggest you head to the link to read them.  

Another way to discuss same-sex actions is what Bl. John Paul II called, "the language of the body. " Our bodies were created by God who is Love, and so they have an inherent meaning -- love.  Our bodies are able to speak a language, and because of where we come from (God) and where we are going (God), the language of our bodies is love.  We did not create this language, just as we didn't create English, Spanish, Swahili or any other language.  Rather, we are able to participate in this language and communicate it, similarly to how we can communicate in English.  

The language of our bodies is meant to express authentic love, which is freely given, total, faithful and fruitful.  For any action that we do, and in a particular way we can analyze sexual actions, we have to ask if we are truthfully speaking love that is freely given, total, faithful and fruitful with our bodies, and therefore with our entire person.  Same-sex actions are inherently not fruitful.  They are also not total -- in part because they are not fruitful (and total requires giving everything of ourselves), and also because the nature of a same-sex action is not the total union in difference that the sexual act is meant to be.  We could also analyze how same-sex acts are not truly free or even faithful.  (If you'd like more on talking about the language of the body, or the general topic of same-sex marriage, check out what Jason Evert has to say.)

Finally, you asked for a personal experience of speaking the truth in love.  I mentioned at Credo the reactions of two different groups of people to a friend who was experiencing same-sex attraction.  One group defriended their friend on facebook and cut off all communication.  The other group never backed down from supporting Church teaching, but was also very present -- continuing communication, quietly praying, etc.  Over time, our friend had a profound experience of God's love because of the persistence and presence of friends who cared enough to speak the truth in love and who knew the times to be silent.  Today, our friend is living out the faith with great fervor.  If everyone had said, "Our friendship is over!" then the invitation to come back to the Church couldn't have been given.  And if the remaining friends had said, "Don't worry about what the Church says, just do what you want," then she would not be experiencing the peace and joy of the fullness of the Catholic life right now.  It's a delicate balance, but speaking the truth with love -- which can involve silent witness -- is so important!

Speaking the truth in love is also not about embarking on a warrior crusade to win converts.  Rather, it's about loving those around us and praying that they can experience the true joy that can only be found in Christ.

Questions from Credo ... Should homosexual couples be allowed to adopt children?

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q. Should homosexual couples be allowed to adopt children?

A. Adoption should always be first and foremost concerned with what is best for the children.  Adoption can be a beautiful gift to children who are welcomed and loved into a new family, but there is always still a loss experienced -- that of one's birth family.  So, the structure of adoption should be centered on serving and loving the children who have experienced this loss.  

We discussed the other day some of the challenges associated with being raised by two people of the same sex.  I also mentioned a study by Dr. Mark Regnerus that looks at some of the differences between being raised by same-sex parents, single parents and married parents.  You can view a summary of his findings here. 

No one has the right to a child.  Jennifer Roback Morse from the Ruth Institute says that adoption should be about giving children the parents they need, not about giving parents the children they want. 

What do children need?  They need a married mother and father.  Through the unity and difference of a husband and wife, their love is naturally fruitful.  It doesn't collapse in on itself or become stagnant.  Rather, their love grows and seeks to love even more.  When children are welcomed into this environment, they begin to know that they are good because they exist, not because of what they do, how they make their parents feel, etc.  Marriage provides a unique opportunity for children to learn the goodness of their existence.

If a loving, married couple, then, is uniquely qualified to give children what they need, then is a same-sex couple giving children what they need or providing themselves (the couple) with what they want?  It would appear that the best interest of the child is not held most sacred because countless studies and personal experience have revealed the importance of having both mother and father.  

Already, some archdioceses, like Boston, have had to stop facilitating adoptions because of state laws that require them to place children with same-sex couples.  (You can read more on that here.)

The Church cannot promote the adoption of children by same-sex couples because the Church seeks what is best for us, her children. 

Questions from Credo ...What about the Boy Scouts' new statement?

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q. What does the Church say about the Boy Scouts' new law?

A. There are many different opinions on the Boy Scouts' recent statement regarding the involvement of youth with same-sex attraction.  It seems best in this case to simply share Archbishop Schnurr's statement in response to the Boy Scouts' position.  You can read it all here.

Questions from Credo ... One Million Moms?

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q. How do you feel about One Million Moms' strong dislike towards homosexuals?

A. I was not familiar with their position on homosexuality, so I sought some more information on their website.  Since I was unable to find any details about what they believe or teach regarding homosexuality, I can't really answer your question.

However, this is a great opportunity to point out the difference between expressing that same-sex actions and the media-promoted "gay lifestyle" are objectively wrong and speaking poorly of people who have same-sex attraction.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says that that those with same-sex attraction "do not choose their homosexual condition; for most of them it is a trial.  They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity.  Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided.  These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition" (CCC 2358).

I do not know the nature of One Million Moms' position, but all of us are called to simultaneously respect the dignity of every human person, regardless of who they are sexually attracted to, and to uphold the Church's teaching that same-sex actions are objectively wrong and will not bring the joy and peace we desire.

Questions from Credo ... Can you still be a practicing Catholic?

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q. Can a person who openly rejects the Church teaching on homosexuality still be a proud practicing Catholic and achieve the ultimate goal of heaven?  If they are a "practicing" homosexual (commit homosexual acts)?

A. Let's begin with an important distinction.  We cannot judge people -- their heart, their intentions, etc. -- but we can judge actions externally.  For example, we know that using cocaine is objectively wrong, but we don't know why this particular person is addicted to cocaine, how the past may have fueled the addiction, how much of the decision to try cocaine was the person's or was forced, etc.  In short, we can't possibly know the culpability of this particular person.  Only God can judge the heart.  Still, no matter the degree of the individual's responsibility for using cocaine, we know that, objectively, using cocaine is wrong.

So, what about a person who openly rejects the Church's teaching on homosexuality by actively engaging in same-sex actions?  

The Church's moral teaching is not a matter of opinion.  The Church is the Body of Christ, and Jesus Christ is the head.  You can't separate the head from the body.  Likewise, the Church is the Bride of Christ, in a beautiful union with Jesus the Bridegroom.  She communicates to us how to love God, love others and receive God's gift of redemption and eternal life.

So, why wouldn't we want to embrace all of the Church's teachings, which have our best interest in mind?  Certainly there are reasons we struggle to accept every Church teaching -- pride, laziness, stubbornness, ignorance, etc.  We all struggle with believing or with living the fullness of the Gospel.  Otherwise, we wouldn't need Confession!  But there is a difference between the disposition of ongoing conversion, surrendering oneself to embracing the fullness of the Church's teaching and the disposition of choosing not to seek to live the Church's teaching.  

If a person openly rejects the Church's teaching on homosexuality and actively embraces a same-sex lifestyle, then it would be inappropriate to receive Holy Communion.  Why?  Because receiving the Eucharist is receiving the Body of Christ, and our "Amen" is our "Yes" to everything that the Church believes, teaches and professes.  If we obstinately persist in saying, "I'm right, the Church is wrong," then we aren't really in full communion with Jesus Christ and His Bride, the Church.  

Instead of picking and choosing what we'd like to believe and what we choose to disagree with, we are called to pray, surrender and ask for the grace to understand and love all that the Church reveals to us. 

Even within this question, there seems to be a contradiction of terms.  On the one hand, the question talks about openly rejecting Church teaching, and on the other hand talks about being a "proud practicing Catholic."  If I am proud of my faith and joyfully living it, then is there room for me to reject any part of Catholicism?  

As for the question of achieving the ultimate goal of heaven, only God can know the answer to that.  We cannot presume to judge where anyone spends their life after death.  We know that God is loving and merciful, but also that He gives us the gift of the Church to guide us to Him.

Questions from Credo ... What to say to a friend

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q. What would you say to someone who just came out as trans?

A. Before answering your question directly, let's look at what the Church says about our sexual identity.  *** (See paragraph at the bottom of this post for the actual citation.)  The Church tells us that every person is called to "acknowledge and accept his sexual identity."  Because our culture today tells us that our sexual identity is whatever gender we happen to "feel" like, it might seem that the Church is saying we need to embrace our gender feelings.  But, by "sexual identity," the Church is referring to our masculinity and femininity.

How do we discover our sexual identity?  From the earliest moments of our existence, our bodies, right down to our DNA are differentiated as male or female.  Some might argue that the Church puts too much emphasis on biology, basing everything about our identity, our morality and our happiness on body parts.  Instead, the Church says that our biology -- our bodies -- reveal, or make visible to us, higher truths like God, love, and who God created us to be.  The body reveals the person.  Our bodily masculinity or femininity isn't some random attribute we happen to have.  It's who we are.  And who we are, male or female, reveals something about who God is -- Love.  

On Saturday, we talked about what sexual difference/gender reveals to us:

1) My male or female body is a beautiful reminder that I was created.  I am not God.  I am a child of God.  I did not create myself.  My life is such a radical gift that there are some things I did not choose for myself -- my gender, my birthday, my name, my family, etc.  Since there is also another way of being that is different from me (male or female), I also realize that I cannot encompass the whole of reality.  

2) My male or female body is a beautiful reminder that I am called to love.  In seeing that there is another with whom I have unity ( the same gift of humanity) and difference (masculinity or femininity), I see that it is possible for me to give and to receive from another.  I am called to live "for" another.  I am then able to see that love is possible, that love is good and that love is the meaning of life.

3) My male or female body is a beautiful reminder that I am called to love fruitfully.  When I realize that I did not create myself, that I come from God, and when I realize that I can love another with whom I share a unity (humanity) and a difference (male or female), I can see that my love can be fruitful.  It can grow and be more.  It doesn't have to collapse in upon itself.  It can open me up to new experiences, new wonder, new gratitude as I watch love unfolded as something I am given and not as something I create, dominate or master.

In short, my sexual identity, which I discover in my body, is a constant reminder of who I am as a human person -- a gift from God, called to give in love, fruitfully.  So, embracing this gift of our masculinity and femininity, which is revealed in and through our bodies is key to understanding who God created us to be and what He is calling us to (ultimately, eternal communion with Him in heaven).

But back to your main question ... what should you say to a friend who is experiencing gender confusion?

First, be sure to acknowledge the long, hard struggle that gender confusion has caused in your friend's life.  Have compassion for their struggle and for the suffering that the search for identity has caused.

Ask your friend if he or she has spoken to parents, a priest, a youth minister or a counselor about the feelings of being transgendered.  If they need a good counselor to speak to, recommend one.  

Perhaps in conversations with your friend, you will have the opportunity to discuss the gift that God has given us of our body.  You might ask your friend what it means that he or she has the particular body God gave.  You might have the opportunity to share with your friend that God gave us our body for a reason.

Throughout your conversations with your friend, be compassionate about this struggle and know that there are qualified people who can give more guidance to your friend during this challenging time.


*** Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church.

224.  Faced with theories that consider gender identity as merely the cultural and social product of the interaction between the community and the individual, independent of personal sexual identity without any reference to the true meaning of sexuality, the Church does not tire of repeating her teaching: “Everyone, man and woman, should acknowledge and accept his sexual identity. Physical, moral and spiritual difference and complementarities are oriented towards the goods of marriage and the flourishing of family life. The harmony of the couple and of society depends in part on the way in which the complementarities, needs and mutual support between the sexes are lived out”. According to this perspective, it is obligatory that positive law be conformed to the natural law, according to which sexual identity is indispensable, because it is the objective condition for forming a couple in marriage.

Questions from Credo ... What is gay identity?

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q. Could you explain gay identity more please?  Is that those who embrace and act on it?

A. During Saturday's workshop, I clarified some differences within the realm of same-sex attraction.  I mentioned three "layers," which I based on the work of Mark Yarhouse, who wrote a book called, Homosexuality and the Christian.  The three tiers were:

1) Same-sex attraction: This is an experience I have of being interested in a person of the same sex.  It might only happen one time or with one particular person.

2) Homosexual orientation: This is an experience I have of being continually attracted to those of the same sex.

3) Gay identity: This is a choice I make to identify myself by my same-sex attraction.  It typically involves embracing the idea that if I do not act on my attractions, then I will not be happy.

Notice that the first two layers are experiences -- things that happen to me -- and the third, gay identity, is a choice I make.  

Typically speaking, "gay identity" involves acting on one's same-sex attraction.  It usually includes embracing some degree of the "gay lifestyle."  That might include involvement in events like "gay pride" parades that proclaim one's identity as a same-sex attracted individual.

But as we discussed on Saturday, same-sex attraction is not one's identity.  Who you are is not a "homosexual person."  Who you are is a son or daughter of God, loved into existence and called to participate in God's love eternally.  

The Church doesn't use terms like "gay" or "lesbian" because your sexual attraction is not your identity.  The Church reminds us that it is "unfounded and demeaning" to assume that someone with same-sex attraction must compulsively engage in same-sex activity.  Rather, the Church is clear that God has given every human person the gift of freedom (the ability to choose the good) and free will (the ability to choose between good or evil).  Our attractions, inclinations and desires do not dictate our actions.  Rather, we are given the gift of choosing how to respond.  

Questions from Credo ... Clarifying chastity

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q. So, you were talking about homosexuals staying chaste.  But chaste doesn't mean staying a virgin, it just means waiting for the right time.  So is gay sex okay?

A. Before answering, it's important to clarify something in your question.  You're right that chastity isn't necessarily the same thing as virginity, but chastity is more than "waiting for the right time."  The only "right time" is marriage.  That's not to be legalistic or to choose an arbitrary life event.  Rather, marriage is the only proper place to engage in the sexual act because it's the only place where we have fully given and committed ourselves for life to another person.  And what does love want to say?  I give myself totally and forever.  The sexual act expresses this type of love through the body -- total and forever.   

Let's review for a moment the purpose of marriage.  It's not to have fun, get help with the chores, have a guaranteed nightly sleepover, enjoy a Pinterest-y wedding or even to celebrate the right to be with the one you love.  Rather, marriage is a vocation.  It's a call from God and an opportunity to grow in holiness, to learn to love and to be loved, so that we can love and be loved eternally by God.

Marriage is also prophetic.  From the beginning, when God instituted marriage by creating Adam and Eve for each other, marriage has been a sign of God's love for His people, of Christ's love for the Church.  Marriage, then is a great blessing, but also a task and a responsibility.  It is marked by two things.

1) Faithfulness: God's love for us is never-ending.  A married couple in imaging this love is called to unite "until death do us part."  They are called to give a total gift of self to each other.  Total, of course, means everything and always.

2) Fruitfulness: God's love is fruitful.  It is always life-giving, pouring out an over-abundance of love.  Married love is called to be fruitful too.  Concretely, we see this in the birth of a child, but married love is fruitful by its very nature because it shares in the love of God. 

Returning to the subject of chastity, all people are called to live chastely.  As I said on Saturday, this is good news because Bl. John Paul II once said that chastity is the sure way to happiness!

Chastity is not allowing sex to control or to dominate us, but rather frees sexual desires from selfishness, and instead, through self-mastery allows our sexuality to communicate authentic love.  This is done in different ways, depending on one's state in life.

1) For married people, this involves allowing sex to communicate the total and life-giving love that the couple vowed at their wedding.  It involves not using one's spouse as an object for pleasure, but instead frees sex to communicate authentic, life-giving love.

2) For single people and those who have made a vow of celibacy, this involves saying "no" to sexual relations as a greater "yes" to love.  It recognizes that authentic sexual love involves the body speaking the language of total and forever -- something that can only be truthfully said in marriage.  This is the type of chastity a person with same-sex attraction is called to live.

Since the only place to authentically communicate the language of the body expressed in the sexual act is in marriage, and because marriage requires the sexual difference of man and woman, two people of the same sex cannot truly marry.  Sexual activity between two people of the same sex can never be affirmed by the Church because these actions do not represent the fullness of the meaning of our sexuality.  As I've said before, same-sex attraction is certainly a heavy cross to carry, but we can be certain that God and the Church desire our true happiness.

As the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith summarized for those with same-sex attraction who desire to follow God's plan: "Fundamentally, they are called to enact the will of God in their life by joining whatever sufferings and difficulties they experience in virtue of their condition to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross.  That Cross, for the believer, is a fruitful sacrifice since from that death come life and redemption.  While any call to carry the cross or to understand a Christian's suffering in this way will predictably be met with bitter ridicule by some, it should be remembered that this is the way to eternal life for all who follow Christ" ("Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church on the Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons" #12). 

Questions from Credo ... What's the difference between an attraction and an action?

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q. So, it's okay for a person with homosexual tendencies to like people of the same sex, but not for them to act on it?

A. This is a great question that involves making some important distinctions.  We talked on Saturday about the Catechism of the Catholic Church, which says that homosexual actions are "intrinsically disordered."  In discussing that paragraph of the Catechism (2357), we defined disordered.  According to dictionary.com, it means, "lack of order or regular arrangement; confusion."

Let's just review what we said about this on Saturday: Our sexual difference is about our "otherness" which allows us to see the fruitfulness of unity and difference.  Our sexuality is a reminder of our call to give of ourselves to one who is different than us, and yet shares the same gift of humanity, and to receive them.  It points to our call to be united with God, who created us in His image and likeness and yet is vastly different and "other" than us."  So, same-sex actions lack this order or purpose.  They confuse the sexual act, which is meant to be a uniting of two who have unity and difference, loving each other by willing what is good for the other, and which includes the goodness of becoming a mother or a father.  

But what about an attraction to someone of the same-sex?  Because of all that we have said about the nature of sexuality and the purpose of our masculinity and femininity, the Church says that a same-sex inclination or attraction is also "objectively disordered."  

What does that mean?  For one thing, it's very important to note that the Church is not saying that a same-sex attraction is a sin.  A same-sex action is a sin, but the attraction is not.  However, the attraction is still considered disordered because it confuses the authentic meaning of sexual attraction (as summarized above). 

Bl. John Paul II once wrote that we are not responsible for what happens to us in the realm of sexuality (having a particular desire, for example), but we are responsible for what we do in the realm of sexuality.  

A lot of your question depends on what you mean by "like" and what you mean by "okay."  There is a difference between experiencing an attraction to someone and "feeding a crush" or actively engaging in an attraction to someone.  Since same-sex attractions do not affirm the fullness of the meaning of our sexuality, it's best to strive for keeping the "liking" on the level of something that happens to me, rather than something I choose to engage, pursue or seek.

Once again, though, it's important to recognize that the Church affirms the dignity of all human persons, regardless of their sexual attraction.  Experiencing an attraction that is disordered does not demean the dignity of the person. 

Questions from Credo ... Can you "pray out the gay"?

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q. Can you "pray out the gay" (for lack of a better term)?

A. Someone with same-sex attraction, just as every person, is called to bring struggles, questions, joys, and sorrows to prayer.  The answer to those prayers will be a matter of God's plan for that individual person, but we can be confident that He will give the graces to live a joyful, peaceful life.  

For some people, this might involve some degree of "change."  Perhaps, it will be a decrease of attraction to someone of the same sex.  Perhaps, someone will eventually be attracted to those of the opposite sex.  Perhaps, it will simply mean less of a desire to engage in same-sex actions.  These things have occurred in the past to various people.

But for others, there may not be a change of sexual attraction.  Instead, there will be the grace of chastity, good friends who challenge and support, a peace in living a chaste lifestyle.
We know that every one of us is given a cross to bear, an opportunity to suffer with Christ as we await heaven.  Some crosses are taken from us, and some remain, accompanied with an outpouring of God's grace.  No matter what the cross, no matter what our prayer, we know that God is present to us, loves us and wants the best for us.  

It's a good time to mention, too, that many question their "sexual identity" as a teenager.  For some who experience same-sex attraction, this turns into accepting the label of "gay" or "lesbian."  Because there can be fluidity to sexual attraction, especially during adolescence, labeling oneself in this way is particularly problematic.  

So, instead of "praying out the gay," may I suggest surrendering this cross to the Lord and asking Him to help you to bear it?  He knows what plans He has for you.  Whether your same-sex attraction "disappears" or you find renewed commitment to chastity, you can be assured that His plans are for your good.  

If you'd like to hear a more personal account, read this article: "I am not gay ... I am David."

Questions from Credo ... What about same-sex parents?

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q: One of the arguments against gay marriage is that children need a mother and father.  How do we explain to others the difference between gay parents and single parents?

A: Since our society is generally going in the direction of minimizing (or, ignoring) any difference between male and female, it's not surprising that many people see fathers and mothers as interchangeable.  But personal experience likely tells us that we learned different things from Mom, and different things from Dad.  Children who grew up with one parent often share stories about the things they were longing to know from the missing parent.  There was something that couldn't be filled, no matter how much they were loved by the present parent.

So, just to affirm the beginning of your question, it is important that we recognize the difference between a father and a mother and the need for both.

But, how do we express the difference between being raised by a single mother or father and being raised by two mothers or two fathers?  At first glance, it might even seem that the child is better off with two parents, regardless of gender.

The first point to make is that, generally speaking, single parents did not conceive their children with the intent of their children not knowing one of their biological parents.  Single parents are the result of divorce, out-of-wedlock birth, or widowhood.  Consequently, it was not in the parent's plan to keep their child(ren) away from Mom or Dad.

A same-sex couple is different.  Through using artificial reproductive technology (IVF, sperm donation, egg donation, etc.), the child is deprived from the very beginning from knowing one of his biological parents.  If two men are the parents, then the child is withheld from his biological mother (via egg donation and/or surrogacy).  If two women are the parents, then the child is withheld from his biological father (via sperm donation).  All children desire to know where they come from -- who they come from -- and this basic desire is denied to children who were conceived with the intention of being separated from one of the biological parents.  

There are also differences between being raised by one parent and being raised by two parents of the same sex.  Our family is the place where we learn about love, our identity, family, etc.  Very different worldviews will be presented by a married couple, a single parent and a same-sex couple.  

Various studies have been done to look at the effects of being raised by same-sex parents.  The most comprehensive study was conducted by Mark Regnerus a couple of years ago.  There is an easy-to-navigate website that explains the findings, available here.  There are criticisms of every study on this topic conducted thus far, and it's true that we can't base everything on a study or survey.  Still, there is interesting information available at the site.

Finally, it's important to underscore that the ideal environment for a child is a loving home between his married mother and father.  We know that this is not the reality of many families today.  Still, we cannot use the skyrocketing numbers of "alternative family structures" to affirm situations that are not best for children.  It's a difficult topic because many families in less than ideal circumstances have been left in these situations due to tragic circumstances (divorce, death, break-ups, abuse, etc.).  This answer is not to stand and judge families that do not have a present, married mother and father.  Rather, it's a reminder of the importance of seeking the good for all children, despite the difficulties that may arise.

Questions from Credo ... same-sex marriage vs. infertility

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q: By saying a same-sex marriage is ... incomplete? because they cannot be fruitful, how would you argue a man and a woman who are incapable of having a child?

A: This is a very common question and an important one to ask.  

First, let's note that if a married couple is unable to consummate their marriage through the sexual act, then they are not able to marry in the Catholic Church.  This isn't because sex is the most important aspect of marriage, but because our bodies reveal the invisible, and the sexual act expresses the free, total, faithful and fruitful love of marriage in a unique way.  A same-sex couple is incapable of consummating "marriage" with the sexual act.

A couple who is infertile, on the other hand, is still capable of the sexual act.  It is usually devastating for couples who cannot physically have children, but whether or not they are physically able to conceive does not determine the fruitfulness of their marriage.

Fruitfulness is always first spiritual.  But because our bodies speak a language and make the invisible visible, if our bodies are closed off to human life (whether through a same-sex action or through contraception), then this says something about our openness to being spiritually fruitful.

So, whether or not someone has a child, or even how many children they have, cannot indicate the spiritual fruitfulness of their marriage.  But, conversely, an incapability of engaging in the action that leads to physical fruitfulness indicates something about the couple's ability to live marital spiritual fruitfulness.  We need both unity and difference to be fruitful.  Because we are a unity of body and soul, this is expressed in and through our bodies and the sexual difference we have been given.  

Another difference is that many couples who struggle with infertility still conceive.  Perhaps it's a matter of diagnosing the main problem, of timing, of stress, etc., but many couples have waited 3, 6, 8, 10 years or more to conceive before they finally did.  For a same-sex couple, this possibility will never exist.  

Enemies of the human race?

In today's Supreme Court decision, "United States v. Windsor," Justice Scalia had some poignant words to share in his dissent.  In particular, I direct you to these two paragraphs, found on page 55:

But the majority says that the supporters of this Act acted with malice—with the “purpose” (ante, at 25) “to disparage and to injure” same-sex couples. It says that the motivation for DOMA was to “demean,” ibid.; to “impose inequality,” ante, at 22; to “impose . . . a stigma,” ante, at 21; to deny people “equal dignity,” ibid.; to brand gay people as “unworthy,” ante, at 23; and to “humiliat[e]” their children, ibid. (emphasis added).

I am sure these accusations are quite untrue. To be sure (as the majority points out), the legislation is called the Defense of Marriage Act. But to defend traditional marriage is not to condemn, demean, or humiliate those who would prefer other arrangements, any more than to defend the Constitution of the United States is to condemn, demean, or humiliate other constitutions. To hurl such accusations so casually demeans this institution. In the majority’s judgment, any resistance to its holding is beyond the pale of reasoned disagreement. To question its high-handed invalidation of a presumptively valid statute is to act (the majority is sure) with the purpose to “dis-parage,” ”injure,” “degrade,” ”demean,” and “humiliate” our fellow human beings, our fellow citizens, who are homosexual. All that, simply for supporting an Act that did no more than codify an aspect of marriage that had been unquestioned in our society for most of its existence— indeed, had been unquestioned in virtually all societies for virtually all of human history. It is one thing for a society to elect change; it is another for a court of law to impose change by adjudging those who oppose it hostes humani generis, enemies of the human race.