Questions from Credo ... What about same-sex parents?

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q: One of the arguments against gay marriage is that children need a mother and father.  How do we explain to others the difference between gay parents and single parents?

A: Since our society is generally going in the direction of minimizing (or, ignoring) any difference between male and female, it's not surprising that many people see fathers and mothers as interchangeable.  But personal experience likely tells us that we learned different things from Mom, and different things from Dad.  Children who grew up with one parent often share stories about the things they were longing to know from the missing parent.  There was something that couldn't be filled, no matter how much they were loved by the present parent.

So, just to affirm the beginning of your question, it is important that we recognize the difference between a father and a mother and the need for both.

But, how do we express the difference between being raised by a single mother or father and being raised by two mothers or two fathers?  At first glance, it might even seem that the child is better off with two parents, regardless of gender.

The first point to make is that, generally speaking, single parents did not conceive their children with the intent of their children not knowing one of their biological parents.  Single parents are the result of divorce, out-of-wedlock birth, or widowhood.  Consequently, it was not in the parent's plan to keep their child(ren) away from Mom or Dad.

A same-sex couple is different.  Through using artificial reproductive technology (IVF, sperm donation, egg donation, etc.), the child is deprived from the very beginning from knowing one of his biological parents.  If two men are the parents, then the child is withheld from his biological mother (via egg donation and/or surrogacy).  If two women are the parents, then the child is withheld from his biological father (via sperm donation).  All children desire to know where they come from -- who they come from -- and this basic desire is denied to children who were conceived with the intention of being separated from one of the biological parents.  

There are also differences between being raised by one parent and being raised by two parents of the same sex.  Our family is the place where we learn about love, our identity, family, etc.  Very different worldviews will be presented by a married couple, a single parent and a same-sex couple.  

Various studies have been done to look at the effects of being raised by same-sex parents.  The most comprehensive study was conducted by Mark Regnerus a couple of years ago.  There is an easy-to-navigate website that explains the findings, available here.  There are criticisms of every study on this topic conducted thus far, and it's true that we can't base everything on a study or survey.  Still, there is interesting information available at the site.

Finally, it's important to underscore that the ideal environment for a child is a loving home between his married mother and father.  We know that this is not the reality of many families today.  Still, we cannot use the skyrocketing numbers of "alternative family structures" to affirm situations that are not best for children.  It's a difficult topic because many families in less than ideal circumstances have been left in these situations due to tragic circumstances (divorce, death, break-ups, abuse, etc.).  This answer is not to stand and judge families that do not have a present, married mother and father.  Rather, it's a reminder of the importance of seeking the good for all children, despite the difficulties that may arise.

Questions from Credo ... same-sex marriage vs. infertility

This past weekend I presented the workshop, "Homosexuality: Always God's Children" at the Credo retreat.  We did not have time for the Q&A portion of the workshop, so the questions will be answered here during the next week or two.

Q: By saying a same-sex marriage is ... incomplete? because they cannot be fruitful, how would you argue a man and a woman who are incapable of having a child?

A: This is a very common question and an important one to ask.  

First, let's note that if a married couple is unable to consummate their marriage through the sexual act, then they are not able to marry in the Catholic Church.  This isn't because sex is the most important aspect of marriage, but because our bodies reveal the invisible, and the sexual act expresses the free, total, faithful and fruitful love of marriage in a unique way.  A same-sex couple is incapable of consummating "marriage" with the sexual act.

A couple who is infertile, on the other hand, is still capable of the sexual act.  It is usually devastating for couples who cannot physically have children, but whether or not they are physically able to conceive does not determine the fruitfulness of their marriage.

Fruitfulness is always first spiritual.  But because our bodies speak a language and make the invisible visible, if our bodies are closed off to human life (whether through a same-sex action or through contraception), then this says something about our openness to being spiritually fruitful.

So, whether or not someone has a child, or even how many children they have, cannot indicate the spiritual fruitfulness of their marriage.  But, conversely, an incapability of engaging in the action that leads to physical fruitfulness indicates something about the couple's ability to live marital spiritual fruitfulness.  We need both unity and difference to be fruitful.  Because we are a unity of body and soul, this is expressed in and through our bodies and the sexual difference we have been given.  

Another difference is that many couples who struggle with infertility still conceive.  Perhaps it's a matter of diagnosing the main problem, of timing, of stress, etc., but many couples have waited 3, 6, 8, 10 years or more to conceive before they finally did.  For a same-sex couple, this possibility will never exist.  

"Enjoy life while you can!" -- Are we being well prepared for marriage?

It’s not every day your run across a piece like this: Harvard law graduate turned mother shares her thoughts about young women today being groomed to be executives with no real training for wife and motherhood. She shares thoughts like this:

Recently, a possibly tragic event took place: a highly educated young woman I know got married. Radiant in her delicate lace dress, full of joy and optimism about the future, this blushing bride was not yet aware of the reality of her situation: that she has been groomed through her many years of education to be, well, the groom – and this fact is very likely to cause friction for her and her family as she tries to achieve the deepest hopes and dreams of her heart.

My post doesn’t directly deal with Lea Singh’s thoughts, so I highly recommend at the conclusion of this, that you take a detour to her entire post, “The bride who was groomed for a career.”

She is quite courageous for speaking of this. But many Catholics might read it and say, “That really doesn’t apply. We’re quite pro-family here, thank you very much.”

But I have to wonder how much this really is the case.

To boil it down to the two extremes, (which of course are not the only two options on table), there seem to be two types of single women in the Catholic world. On the one hand, there are the husband hunters who are so intent on capturing a new last name that the man who is going to give her the title of “Mrs.” becomes a means to an end, an ironic object in the quest for marriage and motherhood.

On the other hand of the spectrum are the single women who want nothing to do with being a husband hunter and so are focused in pouring their all into where they are now – career, friendships, adventurous expeditions. And at first glance, this second option seems a good one – to be fully present to the place one currently is, to experience life with joy and creativity.

Such is all the case, and yet there is an inherent danger that must be avoided. In seeking to not self-identify by what is lacking in one’s life, one may become used to, trained in a sense, to view life in terms of what I do and what I experience – my job, my friends, my hobbies, my freedom. And the “my” mentality can lead to a tyranny of unintended selfish consequences.

So that when Mr. Right waltzes onto the scene, the single in the second situation may find it difficult to pry her hands off of her career, which she may love, or her weekend adventures, which a family may make a bit difficult.

But, at the same time, Single Lady #2 is doing something right in living her singlehood in joy and peace. But when she hears people say at every turn, “Enjoy it now, honey, because when you get married, your freedom will be GONE,” it can be difficult to envision marriage and family life as something attractive or worth making sacrifices.

I think the question boils down to this – why is one embracing her career, investing in hobbies, etc? Is it to truly live out this time of single life that God has given, or is it to escape something? Is it to take the attachment of Single #1 to the man of the future and to attach it instead to things – career, clothes, girls’ nights? Or is to live fully, to live present, to live with a detachment that says, “I am ready to sacrifice this when God invites me to do so.”

Instead of eagerly dishing out advise to Catholic singles to pour forth everything into career and “all of the opportunities you will no longer have when you’re wearing a ring,” perhaps we need to reconsider how to properly prepare for a married life of giving all away. How do we live singlehood in a way that doesn’t view marriage as a prison of “no more freedom” but as a lifelong gift of sacrifice and gift of self for others? Perhaps it’s as simple as occasionally skipping that $3 coffee and tithing the money instead, or of spending girls’ night in the soup kitchen to serve others.

Whatever the concrete details may be, I think we need to examine how the desire of Single #1 to live for Mr. Right in the future and the desire of Single #2 to live for something in the present can meet in Single #3 whose singlehood is very much a preparation for a vocation of service, without instrumentalizing Future Husband as the tool to achieve the goal. And if perhaps single life is perpetuated longer than planned or hoped for, then one can rest assured that she has been learning to live for God in a selfless way even though her concrete circumstances are not within an objective “Vocation.”

Now, if you’ve forgotten where that tangent began, you can return to Lea Singh’s thoughts here.

An intensive school of love

I recently came across this excellent interview with Msgr. Cormac Burke regarding marriage, love, happiness and freedom. This would be an excellent piece to give engaged couples.

Just to whet your appetite:

Q: How does marriage achieve, deepen, mature and make permanent one's personal happiness?

Monsignor Burke: Above all by drawing out of ourselves. We will never get started on the way to happiness until we realize that the main obstacle is our own self -- our self-centered concerns, worries and calculations. Paradoxically all these are absolute obstacles to personal happiness.

The paradox should not be difficult for the Christian to understand, for it goes to the heart of Christ's teaching on those who selfishly, calculatingly seek their lives: "Whoever seeks his life will lose it; whoever loses it for my sake, will find it." The phrase "for my sake" points to all that is good, generous, pure and worthwhile.

One of the most common modern errors is to think that happiness comes by calculation. We think that our happiness depends on thinking things out cleverly and accurately: "Will this plus that, minus the other, make me happy?" It is not so. Personal happiness and the happiness of marriage depend mainly on generosity and sacrifice.

Be sure to read it all!

Vocations Awareness Week, part 4

In the final reflection during this week dedicated to vocations awareness, I wanted to say a word of thanks. How in the world is anyone supposed to embrace a life given wholly and irrevocably to the Lord without witnesses of joyful, peaceful, grateful fiats to the particular vocation which God entrusted to them? Vocations awareness is provided most profoundly by the silent eloquence of others who are living their vocation.

- Of the priest who spends every morning in the wooden confessional, praying for his penitents and offering them God's mercy through the sacrament.

- Of the wife and mother who struggles patiently with her two-year-old at daily Mass, wanting to receive love so she can give it.

- Of the religious sister who comforts another, giving advice, quietly listening and promising prayers.

- Of the husband and father who teaches his children how to pray, blesses them every night and wraps his family in prayer, even when he'd rather put up his feet and doze behind the opened newspaper.

Thank you to all those who have embraced their vocation, who time and again recommit to living more fully what the Lord has asked. Thank you to all who, whether they have yet found a concrete state of life from which to do this, respond to the universal call to holiness and witness to God's love in the simplest ways, often without realizing they are doing so.

Thank you especially to the priests who bring us the Eucharist, mercy in confession, a witness of fatherhood and of the love of Christ who gave everything to and for His Church. A priest's vocation is at the service of all of us. But we stand in gratitude and humility for their gift.

"On the Transformative Power of an Observed Love"

Msgr. Charles Pope shares an incredible story about the transforming power of love. I can't find any small piece to excerpt because it really must be read in its entirety. So, click on over to the Archdiocese of Washington blog for a good read.

"Love Multiplies, Not Divides"

Take a journey with Joseph Koss, as he experiences becoming a father of one, then transitioning to the role of father of two.

My wife and I are the best of friends. She admits that she knew that I might be the one while we were dating because she, “never got sick” of me. The fact that I didn’t bore her is a pretty awesome feat, as she is a very interesting and fun person. So when our daughter came there were some nervous thoughts about how we wouldnt be only focused on each other, or how we would divide our love or time. But things came naturally, and our little girl became an extension of us, it was as if our love was so awesome for one another it couldn’t be contained in just two people… so it created another! God really is pretty amazing isn’t he?

As my girl grew, so did I. As I said, we had just moved to Alaska and I was learning to live a very interesting life. Hiking, fishing, hunting, and now this winter trapping. All very outdoorsy activities that are a way of life around here. We are very attached parents, and our daughter is always with us. I started taking her out on little adventures with me. Hiking, fishing, hunting and the like. As this winter rolled around, which starts in October for us, she started going out to the “river” with me to go trapping. I don’t expect her to be a tomboy or even really desire it that much, my goal was to spend time with my daughter. So as we grew to be buddies, our second child grew in my wife’s belly. A lot of people said, “It’s a boy!” They were excited because they knew I would finally have a son, and that I would be able to take him on all my adventures; that is when I got scared.

Read the whole account here.