Why not live together before marriage?

One of the resources people ask me for are articles or pamphlets about cohabitation. Why not live together before marriage? It's virtually assumed today that two people planning on marriage will share the same address before exchanging rings.

There are quite a few articles and summaries of the problems with cohabitation, but today's IBelieveinLove.com article, "Why I Don't Live With My Fiance" was one of the best, simple explanations I have seen.

I don’t want to live with my fiancé because his title says it all. He’s still my fiancé. He’s not my spouse. He’s not the man I married—he’s the man I will marry. And when we’re married, we will move in together. Why then?

Because then I will know it won’t be a decision based on finances or split rent. It won’t be a decision based on the desire to sleep with each other. It won’t be a decision based on a trial run to see how things go and with an easy out when the going gets tough.

Rather, our decision to move in together will be based on a public profession to love each other in good times and bad, in sickness and health, until death do us part. It will be a decision based on mutual self-respect in a way that says, “You are worth more to me than a split rent check. You are worth more to me than any self-gratification. I don’t need a trial run of living together because I already know I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” that’s what dating is for!

Read the rest of the article here. It's worth bookmarking and sharing when you need a handy answer to a common question.

If I had five minutes to present at the Extraordinary Synod ...

Now I know that I am not, nor ever will be, an invited guest at the Synod.  There are married couples present in the discussions right now from around the world.  Most, if not all, of the couples have been married for decades and lead various marriage preparation or enrichment programs across the globe.  They have all been given a few minutes to speak to the Holy Father and the 200 or so bishops in attendance.  Their statements have also been disseminated to the public through the Vatican Press Office.

Knowing that I am not a national or world marriage leader, nor a veteran of a marriage spanning decades, as the Synod unfolds, there are still a few things I wish I could say -- that someone would say -- to the Synod fathers.  It would be something like this ...

Holy Father Pope Francis, Cardinals and Bishops of the world -- thank you for making marriage and the family such a priority that you are dedicating two Synods -- an "extraordinary" and an "ordinary" -- to these topics.  Thank you for wanting to bring the beautiful truth of these teachings to the world.  Thank you for recognizing the struggles and graces of family life and seeking to better understand so as to articulate the incredible identity of the family.

It is certainly no secret that marriage and the family are under great attack in our world.  This is manifested in differing ways by continent, country and region.  I believe, however, that all of these attacks have one thing at heart.  It is what St. John Paul II referred to in his encyclical letter, "Evangelium Vitae" as the "eclipse of the sense of God and of man."

The crisis of marriage and family is fundamentally, I believe, a crisis of anthropology.  We do not know who we are.  Formed strongly by the industrial, sexual and technological revolutions, we think we are what we do, the pleasure we obtain and the speed at which we can obtain objects and pleasure.  We, as a culture, as a world, are massively confused about what it means to be human; what love, freedom, sacrifice, truth, suffering, conscience, sexuality, our very bodies are and mean.  

It's a common misconception that the Church's "rules" are arbitrary and perhaps even vindictive sentences from a group of celibate men.  It is widely believed that Church teaching is not rooted in anything, is not valid or thoughtful or for our own good.  

This is what we need you to teach and preach and live and encourage.  The world needs to know that because of who we are -- and because of who God is -- we are called and invited to live accordingly.  We need to know that the Church doesn't give us arbitrary rules but a beautiful plan to be authentically human.  We need to know that openness to life isn't something we should grit our teeth and bear, but something we are blessed to receive.  We need to know that same-sex attraction doesn't make a person evil or undermine their dignity, but that same-sex sexual encounters cannot fulfill us.  We need to know that cohabitation isn't "test driving" commitment, but instead that we are capable of the radical risk of giving our life to our spouse.

We don't just need to hear about controversial teachings, though these are important.  We need to hear that marriage is a Sacrament, a vocation, a path to holiness.  We need to hear that marriage is a privileged way of revealing God's love to the world.  We need to hear the stories of married saints whose family life was heroically lived.  We need to hear Mass petitions for families.  We need to be sent forth with confidence that God's grace makes love possible.

We need to be challenged.  We live in a culture of mediocrity.  We are told consistently not to strive for higher things -- in fact, that we are incapable of higher things.  The Church is the lone voice stating confidently, "You are called to be more!"  This is a compliment, not an insult.  We need to hear it, to know it, to believe it.

We need mercy, yes, but we also need truth.  In fact, the two belong together.  To receive both of these, we need to know who we are.  And this brings us back to the beginning (literally, to the beginning of these thoughts and to the "beginning" of Genesis).  Holy Father, Cardinals and Bishops, you have been entrusted with so much goodness and beauty -- promoting and safeguarding the Catholic faith in the world today.  We need you to remind us of who we are, who the family is, who God is, and what He is calling each of us to live.  We don't need the truth to be watered down; we need it to be lovingly expressed.  

Please don't forget that the Church's teaching on marriage and family is beautiful.  What a gift to the world if you could remind us of that, encourage us to embrace that beauty and renew our confidence that this beauty is possible.  

A different perspective on cohabitation

Most arguments against cohabitation are based on an outsider's perspective, but Verily Magazine is featuring the story of one young woman who shares her personal experience of moving in with her boyfriend.

It didn’t take long, however, for the fairy-tale sheen to wear off my new living situation. Admittedly, I was saving a considerable amount of money not having to worry about rent and utilities, but the truth of the matter is that it created an intense emotional imbalance. I felt forever beholden to Jake and, as a result, I felt that I couldn’t refuse or refute him in anything. Worse still, living together completely abbreviated the get-to-know-you process that dating before marriage is designed to accomplish. The priority became maintaining the household peace instead of probing one another’s souls. Living together bred a thorough complacency that came to slowly rot our relationship from the inside-out.

One evening, for example, it became apparent that he and I did not share the same values regarding working motherhood. I was completely aghast at the things he said to me that night; I felt like I had gotten the wind knocked out of me. Who was this man that I was living with and how could this be his expectations for our – my – future?

But I didn’t say anything. I had class the next day, dinner to clean up, homework to do, and I just could not face such a serious conversation with no place to retreat to in case it went poorly. In a non-cohabitating situation, I probably would have broken up with him right then–it was that bad–or at least taken time to seriously reevaluate our relationship. But I did neither of those things. I told myself that I could maybe change his mind sometime in the future and left it there. We went to sleep that night as usual.

This situation played itself out over and over again. These silences grew into unacknowledged mutual grudges that lived ominously under the surface until a disruption in our lives brought them to the surface.

Read it all here.

An inside look at cohabitation

An anonymous writer penned her thoughts in Great Britain about her decision to cohabit for a decade. It's a fascinating, heart-wrenching account of regret over lack of commitment.

Here's a start:

In that regard, we were like an increasing number of middle-class couples who co-habit, have children and see no reason to formalise their shared commitment to a lifelong future with a wedding ceremony.

And yet, it seems it wasn’t enough. Because despite all those years together, and all those children, David and I are now in the process of splitting up. We are divorcing without ever having married.

There is no one else involved; just a general growing apart. The reasons are many, from his feelings of being unloved to mine of being under-supported. He says I don’t respect him. And I think he’s probably right.

So now he has moved out. The day he left was the saddest of my life. I wanted to reach out to him, as he got into his car, and tell him everything would be OK — but I couldn’t. Which left me wondering: how has it come to this? How can we be taking apart something we spent so many years putting together?

And herein lies an uncomfortable thought. While it pains me to say so, I can’t help thinking that our situation might have been different if we’d got married.

For years, I told myself — and others — that marriage for me was just a word, a formality, and that David and I were as close as any married couple. Now I’m not so sure. Maybe, if we had made a proper commitment in front of our friends and loved ones, if we had said those binding, meaningful words, we might not be in this situation.

Read the entire account here.