A bishop speaks to the heart of men

"I said my vows to a person, not a computer program"

I'm not a daily Matt Walsh reader, but when his articles have been passed my way, I often find myself shaking my head in agreement.  This one really hits the nail on the head.  It's a response to the divorce-friendly culture, the oft-heard excuse, "My spouse changed."  It's one man's fierce loyalty to a person and to an institution, a Sacrament, a place that has the spouses instead of the spouses having "it."  

So, Matt Walsh has a few things to say on the subject.  To get you started:

“People sometimes change,” says the wise sage.

No, people always change. They never stop changing. Life is change. 

Everything is moving, everything is transforming. Everything is changing, all of the time. Life is more of a river than a stagnant, mosquito-infested puddle.

(Dear Lord, look at what this guy has done. He’s got me so worked up that I’m speaking in country-pop lyrics. “Life is a river.” God help me.)

The fact is that you can leave the room for ten seconds, come back, and everything will be slightly different. That’s true of the furniture, the curtains, the carpet, and yes, the people. Especially the people.

Divorcing someone because they change? You might as well divorce them because they breathe.

I’m not making light of it. I know that sometimes people change in a painful and inconvenient manner. I know that my wife could change in ways that don’t cooperate with my projections of how she should be and feel and think.

I guess that’s what people really mean when they say they want a divorce because their spouse “changed.” It’s not change itself they oppose, but changes that challenge them and make them uncomfortable. What they should say is: “I want a divorce because she changed in a way that doesn’t fit inside my comfort zone.”

It’s hard, I know. Every day I’m relearning this one basic truth: my wife has her own brain, her own feelings, her own soul. We are linked now through the bond of matrimony, but she is still her and I am still me. She is a force, a hurricane, a wildfire. She is not a puppet dancing on a string. She is a self — her own self — powerful and mysterious.

Read more at http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/05/29/wifepersonmarried/#9VscMhc3Bwpd6ksE.99.   

Does chivalry matter?

Emily Stimpson does a wonderful job articulating the good of chivalry in her recent post, "Ryan Gosling, Manly Men, and the Witness of Chivalry." It's a good read.

Now, is there any guarantee that a man who opens car doors for a woman won’t use his strength to overpower or insult her? Hardly. Likewise, will letting a man open those doors automatically prevent a woman from being shrewish and selfish? Most definitely not.

But that doesn’t mean those gestures don’t help some. Nor does it mean they aren’t good in and of themselves. They are the embodied proclamation of the beauty of sexual complementarity and, when properly understood, help cultivate the virtues of humility, charity, and generosity. In more ways than one, chivalry puts the “civil” in civilization.

That’s why, whatever way you slice it, abandoning chivalry has made the world a more hostile place for women and a less human place for men. If we lived in a culture where men routinely gave up their seats on crowded subways (and women let them), I suspect fewer people in general would be spewing invectives online about people they’ve never met.

And the rest is here.

Fatherhood

Br. Joseph-Anthony Kress, OP, recently reflected on the nature of fatherhood -- spiritual and physical in his article on the Dominicana blog. In what way are men called to relate to their children?

As I reflected on this event, I realized that the manner in which a man holds a child manifests something about his role as a father. A man holds an infant in a way that raises the child up to his own perspective. A father does this as if to say, “Son, you are now a part of this world. I will teach you how to navigate its paths.” A father is responsible for much more than providing food and shelter, for he also has a vital role in educating children in the faith and how to live uprightly in the world. The Second Vatican council states explicitly that “the active presence of the father is highly beneficial to their formation” (Gaudium et Spes 52:1). This “active presence” of the father begins with his leading of the family. If the father is a leader in the home, then the Catechism’s statement, “the home is the first school of Christian life and a school for human enrichment,” has particular import for men (CCC 1657).

Read the rest here.

A strike that underscores a lack of dignity

In an effort to garner support for mandated contraceptive coverage, a group of women has decided to embark on a strike. A sex strike. No sex for a week, they say, to prove to men that men benefit from women having "reproductive choices"too.

So, what's ironic about this?

Well, to start with, these are the same people who would say that Natural Family Planning is a laughable endeavor because it involves periods of abstinence. Times of abstinence, in fact, that average about a week to ten days each month. So, if they can abstain for a week to prove a point, then why is it "impossible" to abstain for the same duration (or a few days more) every month for a greater purpose?

Secondly, do these women realize what they are saying by this strike? "I realize that you value me for the sex I give you. I am a dispenser of sex, not a unique and unrepeatable woman with dignity." Who wants to be treated as an object? Yet, this is precisely what these women are saying: "I am going to strike against being treated like an object, which ironically proves that I allow myself on a regular basis to be treated like an object." How sad!

Thirdly, what is the vision of men here? Men who make their decisions based on a week without sex? And men who must abstain involuntarily. That's a far cry from women who embrace Natural Family Planning ... they can't go it alone. If it becomes necessary for serious reasons to abstain, then both husband and wife unite together in their abstinence. It's not a matter of one person greedily grabbing for control for some sort of power trip. It's a matter of two people discerning how to love one another and their family in the best way possible. Abstinence doesn't become the lack of a gift; it becomes a gift of self in a different way. For "Liberal Ladies Who Lunch," where are the men with courage, self-control, generous hearts and self-sacrificial desires?

Fourthly, do these women realize what they are saving about sex? It's a bargaining tool. It's something useful that can get me something. Where is the dignity, sacredness and mystery of sex? If sex deserves such flippancy, then why is it worth withholding as a bargaining tool anyway?

So, as the "Liberal Ladies Who Lunch" gather women to strike for a week, I'm left feeling very sorry for them. They see their bodies as objects. They see men as sex-hungry monsters. They see sex as a bargaining tool. And contraception? Well, apparently, they see that as the key to freedom.

Quote book

"For the 'civilization of love' it is essential that the husband should recognize that the motherhood of his wife is a gift: this is enormously important for the entire process of raising children. Much will depend on his willingness to take his own part in this first stage of the gift of humanity, and to become willingly involved as a husband and father in the motherhood of his wife." -- Bl. John Paul II in "Letter to Families"

Should women pursue, Part 2

The following is the rest of my answer to the question, "Is it wrong for a woman to take matters into her own hands (in her relationship with a man)?"

OK, now on to dating and who should pursue who. Here’s the deal … men are initiators, providers and protectors. Now this doesn’t mean that women have to stand in a corner and do absolutely nothing, but if women are aggressive or start pursuing the man, then I think that’s where a lot of our problems in society come from. If women are pursuing, then men don’t have to rise to the challenge. They don’t have to risk. They don’t have to be vulnerable. They can basically sit back and get what they want without having to do anything.

And maybe that seems nice to some guys at first, but over time I think they feel like they’ve been robbed of their masculinity. I think they can feel like their ability to provide/protect/initiate has been questioned, and this can lead to resentment of the woman. Because she didn’t trust him enough to let him lead, or because she is taking matters into her own hands, he can feel like he’s not even a necessary part of the relationship. He can feel used.

And his response could be expressed in a number of ways. A) He could sit back and bask in laziness (ala most sitcom men these days). B) He could become violent or abusive in order to gain control. C) He could leave the relationship because he’s not sure if he ever wanted to be there in the first place, or if he wanted it for the right reasons, etc.
So, on the other side, what happens when a woman allows the man to pursue her? First, she shows that she respects the man and appreciates/respects the gift of his masculinity. She shows that a relationship is not just about her, but that she acknowledges the need and the good of the presence of the man.

Secondly, she shows that she trusts the man, and that she trusts God – “let it be, Lord, according to Your word.” She is willing to entrust herself to God’s care and to His will, knowing that His desire for her is so much better than her own. I think it encourages her to see God as the Giver of a good relationship, instead of making a relationship her god. She is able to grow in prayer (and this is one of things that the woman is able to “do” – pray for the man to have the courage, clarity and strength to pursue a relationship, if it is God’s will).

Thirdly, in giving the man the “space” to pursue/initiate, she allows him the opportunity to determine if he is really interested in her without being manipulated. He is able to stand on a more firm foundation before risking a relationship. I think that’s a big part of it … because she doesn’t throw herself at him, he has to take more of a risk, so he wants to be sure he is doing the right thing before proceeding. If the woman is pursuing, then a man can take a relationship a lot less seriously, but if he has to put himself on the line, then he is going to give it a lot more thought, prayer and discernment. This makes for a better relationship for both the man and the woman.

Now all of this is making relationships sound like a big deal. They are! Our culture treats dating like just another random activity. So, we don’t tend to think about all of these things or consider why casual dating may not be the best training for our future vocation. So, all of this talk about giving the man “space” to discern God’s will, etc., plays into dating as being purposeful. It ties in with the idea of dating/courtship as a discernment of marriage. It doesn’t mean marriage to this person is inevitable or that it should be assumed that it will occur, but that if these two people did not believe in the possibility of God calling them to marriage, then they wouldn’t be in a relationship.

I think women can signal that they are interested, but this is done in different ways. Sometimes women do this by flaunting themselves (not good!) and sometimes they might think they are expressing their interest, but the guy has to be very in tune to pick up on her interest because it may not be super explicit/obvious. But girls can signal their interest by saying yes when the guy asks them to go out. And they can signal their interest by not hiding their interest. Some of the “signaling” can be rather subtle. Again, a lot depends on the girl. But she has a responsibility to ask herself in all of her actions/words/thoughts whether she is grasping for a relationship or receiving the possibility of the relationship.

So, should a girl ask a guy out? I strongly believe the answer should be “no.” If she does, it sets up a pattern for the future with her taking the lead, being in control, etc. And it leads the man to question why he’s in this relationship, etc. (See three points about man’s response above.) From a secular perspective, there’s a book called, “He’s Just Not That Into You” that explains that women should really wait for the man. They say that if he doesn’t ask the woman out or if he doesn’t risk something and initiate, then he’s not really interested in the girl, and she should drop her interest. They say if he doesn’t take the lead, then he’s not really interested, and so a strong relationship is out of the question unless he’s really interested. Therefore, the girl is better off being interested in someone who is really interested in her. This perspective is not only religious, though our faith plays a huge role in understanding our masculinity and femininity.

Should women pursue?

We were recently speaking at a local high school where time ran short to answer all of the students' questions. I promised to answer as many as possible on the blog in the coming weeks.

So, to begin: "Is it wrong for a woman to take matters into her own hands (in her relationship with a man)?"

I find that many people today don’t understand the concept of receptivity/being pursued, partially because they don’t want to understand it. They aren’t open to even hearing the message because they’ve already decided that receiving is bad and pursuing is all about power and control. So, it’s hard to even begin the conversation!

Hopefully we can all agree that love involves both giving and receiving. And both people have to give and receive. But there is also an “order” to love. If two people are dancing and both are trying to lead, then it’s not going to go so well. It will be a bit messy. So, there is a kind of “priority” to one person giving/leading/pursuing and one person receiving/being pursued. Now for ages and ages, philosophers (and random people) assumed that receiving made someone “less” or inferior. And that’s why for years people thought that women were the “second sex” and were inferior, because they received, so they didn’t have the same “power” and were therefore not as good as men.

Well, then Thomas Aquinas got involved and he noticed something about God. God is a Communion of Persons – Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and God is love. If love is giving and receiving, then that means there is both giving and receiving in God. God is perfect. Other theologians since concluded that if there is “receiving” in God, then it can’t be bad or inferior for human persons.

If we look at Christ, and specifically if we look at Philippians 2 (the verses on which Kenosis is based), we see that He “received” Himself from the Father, but He is not “less” than the Father. He is “equally” God. And over time, philosophers and theologians were able to see that if Jesus Christ, who is fully God, could receive Himself from the Father and not be any less than the Father, then receptivity does not make someone less.

So, if we get back to the man/woman thing, we see that a woman receiving/being pursued doesn’t make her inferior. But there has to be an “order” to love, and both giving and receiving. Now, women also give; they don’t just receive. But the way that they receive is also a form of giving. For example, if a man opens a door for a woman, and the woman receives his gift, then she is also giving to the man, by allowing him to give, affirming his masculinity, etc. I think this is a lost art. We tend to want to outgive and never receive, because we are so afraid that if we receive something we are “less,” or it makes us vulnerable or we feel like we “owe” something.

And here’s the really amazing thing … when we ladies allow men to pursue us, instead of pursuing men, the guys respect us more, they cherish us, they really love us, they are willing to sacrifice for us. It invites them to see our value and dignity and to fight for it. It invites them to decide that we are worth the sacrifice and the risk. It enables the man to see that he is really interested in the woman – he is interested in her for who she is, and he is interested himself, instead of feeling pressured into it by her. And a woman allowing herself to be pursued invites the man to grow in masculinity, to take a risk, to initiate a relationship with her. So, it’s a win-win situation because both the woman and the man are invited, challenged and inspired to grow in the gift of their masculinity and femininity.

Now, at the same time, waiting to be pursued is not easy, and I think that’s the other reason why a lot of women give up on the idea. They decide the wait is too long or too difficult, and they decide to start pursuing (grasping) for a guy. But this is lose-lose, because the woman and man switch their “order” or their roles, and they don’t stay too happy where they are. Men may feel discontent or consider that they didn’t initiate the relationship and therefore lose interest. Women are forced to keep grasping in order for the “relationship” to continue.

It brings up another very important point – the purpose of initiating/pursuing is not power but service. If it’s just a power trip or an opportunity to boast about how strong one is, then people are right to be disgusted by the idea. But when men properly understand the idea of pursuing as a matter of love and service, then both the man and the woman are able to thrive.

So, practically speaking the whole pursue/being pursued thing involves giving and receiving from both the man and the woman. The woman has to open a space for the man to be able to pursue (instead of her pursuing/initiating/grasping), and then man has to open a space for the woman to consent to his gift of self by giving herself.

More on this topic soon ...

Adventures of a father

Brent Stubbs shared this video recently as a glimpse into the goodness of fatherhood.

Evangelization on the highway

A car-full of girls in Kenosis were recently on a roadtrip, when they were engaged in an innocent encounter of waving to another car. The other car -- full of several teen boys -- was not content with a simple waving match on the highway. One of the boys held up a sign in the window with an inappropriate message.

The girls, all schooled in Theology of the Body, decided this was a moment for evangelization. They scrambled for paper and pen in the car, and then wrote: "Respect. We are precious gifts."

The boys didn't get it. So the girls countered again: "Why would you want to use us?"

Still, the boys were confused, so the ladies responded: "Be men. Not boys."

The boys drove away. The girls continued their roadtrip. But one has to wonder how these simple messages impacted the boys. Maybe they tucked the messages in their minds for a later reflection. Maybe they were intrigued. Maybe they didn't believe there were girls in the world wiling to wait for respect.

Maybe something as simple as driving down the highway became an invitation to these young men to live the fact that they were made for more.

Priest as Father, and Father as Priest

Wayne Topp has a unique perspective as a husband and father to bring to his role in the Archdiocese of Cincinnati's vocations office. He reflects on what he learned at the recent diocesan vocations director gathering in Michigan in this post.

So, there I was, at the convention’s closing Mass, in front of the icon of the NCDVD patron, St. John Vianney, asking for prayers that I might be a good and holy priest for my family because, in that moment, I realized, that is my vocation; that is my responsibility; that is my gift.

Read it all here.

"How can guys not lead girls on?"

After Thursday's blog post about why girls get emotionally attached quickly, I was asked how guys can ensure that they do not "lead girls on." It's an excellent and very important question!

On the one hand, girls have the capability of making a big deal out of nothing. But in that case, it is not the guy's fault if the girl thinks there is grounds for a relationship. However, there are definitely concrete ways guys can strive to not lead girls on. Here are some ideas:

- Don't spend too much alone-time, individual-attention, etc. with one particular girl if you are not interested in her. A guy may take facebook chats, long conversations after school and a CD of favorite music as no big deal, but a girl could easily think that special attention equals special relationship. Spending time in groups without exclusive attention is a good start.

- Being very clear in your intentions. "I'm really glad we are friends." "I want to be clear that I really enjoy our friendship, but I'm not interested in dating." Sometimes it's necessary to clarify where you stand on things. And sometimes it's necessary to clarify this on multiple occasions.

- Be careful to not compliment a girl too much. This might sound odd at first. On the one hand, we need a culture where young men can tell girls that they are beautiful, caring, gifted, etc. So, this is not to say that guys should never compliment girls. But, a guy who is always telling girls that they are beautiful, amazing, holy, etc., can give the wrong impression that he thinks of her as more than a friend. Therefore, compliments and affirmation have to be given prudently and simply.

- Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

- Be on guard against allowing a girl's desire for attention, affirmation, affection, etc., to feed into a masculine desire to feel protective, strong, needed, wanted, etc. Let me explain: Sometimes when a girl is (through words, behavior, etc.) making it clear that she might be interested in a particular guy, it can be tempting for said gentleman to act as if he is interested on the surface in order to feel a level of control, security, affirmation. But of course, this goes nowhere! The girl ends up feeling empty because the guy is not authentically interested in her. And the guy feels guilty because he used a girl to feel protective instead of being protective. Just a temptation to be aware of ...

Women -- God's Precious Gift

A gift from the young men in Kenosis: Teen Disciples for Love and Life --

Chivalry Week report

A few weeks ago I mentioned the Catholic Campus Ministry program of Southeast Missouri State University's student-led "Chivalry Week." Well, the week has passed, and the report is here. I would love to see more initiatives like this one popping up at colleges across the country.

The Ultimate Chivalry Week

I am continually impressed by the Catholic campus ministry at Southeast Missouri State University. It's not just because their campus minister is a very good friend of mine. Every year they have an outstanding list of programs and opportunities for students to engage their faith.

Thus, it wasn't a total surprise -- but still exciting -- to read of one of the students' latest initiatives: Ultimate Chivalry Week. The Catholic men involved explain:

We want to show the young women on campus that they're worth ourt time and effort. Here's the plan. Every day next week dress up. Church clothes. Show the ladies they deserve your best ... your best dress but more importantly your best actions. Take the time next week to be a gentleman. That means women won't need to touch the doors to the UC, or Towers, or any dorm, or any building. Try other stuff: pick up a girl's tray when she's done eating. Help a young woman in your dorm carry her clothes hamper to the elevator. Whatever you do, show women they deserve respect.

Thursday will be the all out day. We're asking for suit and tie if you can pull it off.

Some clarifications. First, we're not trying to say women are inferior. They can open doors and carry trays. That's not the point. The point is that women are so awesome they deserve to be served.

Second, this isn't an opprotunity to be a player. We're not doing this to look good. We're doing this to show good...the good in every girl's heart. That means be prudent in how you approach the chivalry thing. If you keep asking to carry the same girl's books, she might get the wrong ideas. You'll have the rest of your life to find Mrs. Right. Next week isn't that time.

Finally, invite other men. If only a handful of guys commit to this, there won't be much of a message. How awesome would it be to see every guy on campus dressed up by next Friday? Let's shoot for it! Thanks and God Bless!

It would be awesome to see similar movements on college campuses throughout the country. For more info, see the facebook event page here.

"Innocence"

I wish this video were available on YouTube, so I could embed it on the blog. But you'll just have to trust me that it's worth clicking the link in order to watch. And I don't want to say much about it, so as to not spoil its effect.

You can watch the video here.

Jason Evert - Modesty and Romance

Gender confusion ... for fourth graders?

Gender confusion is abounding these days. I keep coming across stories about children whose parents raise them "without" gender, or who give their sons pink, sparkly dresses to twirl around in, or who encourage shedding the "enslaving" stereotypes of boys and girls.

And now there's this:



Isn't it just heartbreaking to see these beautiful, innocent, wide-eyed, confused but listening nine-year-olds? When in the world did we begin to think it's a good time to come into a public school and "celebrate diversity" by telling the students that they can be anything they want? Not that they can be an astronaut or a doctor or an explorer, but that they can be a boy, or a girl, or a boy and a girl, and can create their ideal gender style, just like they can choose their ideal career choice.

Gender matters. We seem to have forgotten that. We seem to think we can determine sex/gender by how we feel. And gender isn't something that's reduced to pink, sparkly dresses or playing with toy trucks. Gender is about masculinity and femininity, about different modes of giving and receiving (and we both do both, but differently), about being created with absolute dignity but not "sameness," about a difference that matters.

Gender is a beautiful reminder that I am not God, that I cannot encompass the whole of reality, that I cannot be everything ... there is always someone different from me, "other" than me. And that difference and "otherness" is good. And it reminds me that I did not create myself, nor did I create the "other." I was created. I am a child. My life has been given.

Gender is a beautiful reminder that I am called to love. In seeing that there is another with whom I have unity (same gift of humanity) and difference (gender), I see that it is possible for me to give to another and to receive from another. I begin to see that love is possible, that it is good and that it is the meaning of life.

Gender is a beautiful reminder that I am called to love fruitfully. When I realize that I did not create myself, that I come from God, and when I realize that I can love another with whom I share a unity and a difference, I can see that my love can be fruitful. It can grow and be more. It doesn't have to collapse in upon itself. It can open me up to new experiences, new wonder, new gratitude as I watch love unfolded as something I am given and not as something I create, dominate or master.

So, why do we think it's a good idea to march into classrooms, and onto national television shows and into newspapers and tell children, tell parents, tell the world that we don't need a reminder that our life is a gift? In fact, we don't want a reminder that life is a gift, thank you very much. We'd prefer to take out the mystery, take out the wonder, take out the gratitude, take out the fact that we did not create ourselves. And this is supposed to lead to happiness and freedom?

It's no wonder that as I watch the fourth graders on the video clip above, I have to reach for the tissue box.

True Manhood blog

Check out Dave DiNuzzo's blog, TrueManhood, in affiliation with the King's Men. It's so encouraging to see this great work promoting authentic masculinity.

St. Joseph, pray for us!

It's St. Joseph's feast day! This is a wonderful day to reflect on the gifts of chastity, fatherhood, manhood and work. So, sit back with a cup of coffee and read John Paul II's apostolic exhortation on St. Joseph, and then be sure to pray the following prayer for chastity (shared by Robert Colquhoun):

Saint Joseph, father and guardian of virgins,
Into whose faithful keeping were entrusted innocence itself, Christ Jesus,
And Mary the virgin of virgins,
I pray, and beseech thee through Jesus and Mary,
Those pledges so dear to thee, to keep me from uncleanness,
And to grant that my mind may be untainted,
My heart pure and my body chaste,
Help me always to serve Jesus and Mary in perfect chastity,
Amen.

Happy Solemnity of St. Joseph!