"How can guys not lead girls on?"

After Thursday's blog post about why girls get emotionally attached quickly, I was asked how guys can ensure that they do not "lead girls on." It's an excellent and very important question!

On the one hand, girls have the capability of making a big deal out of nothing. But in that case, it is not the guy's fault if the girl thinks there is grounds for a relationship. However, there are definitely concrete ways guys can strive to not lead girls on. Here are some ideas:

- Don't spend too much alone-time, individual-attention, etc. with one particular girl if you are not interested in her. A guy may take facebook chats, long conversations after school and a CD of favorite music as no big deal, but a girl could easily think that special attention equals special relationship. Spending time in groups without exclusive attention is a good start.

- Being very clear in your intentions. "I'm really glad we are friends." "I want to be clear that I really enjoy our friendship, but I'm not interested in dating." Sometimes it's necessary to clarify where you stand on things. And sometimes it's necessary to clarify this on multiple occasions.

- Be careful to not compliment a girl too much. This might sound odd at first. On the one hand, we need a culture where young men can tell girls that they are beautiful, caring, gifted, etc. So, this is not to say that guys should never compliment girls. But, a guy who is always telling girls that they are beautiful, amazing, holy, etc., can give the wrong impression that he thinks of her as more than a friend. Therefore, compliments and affirmation have to be given prudently and simply.

- Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

- Be on guard against allowing a girl's desire for attention, affirmation, affection, etc., to feed into a masculine desire to feel protective, strong, needed, wanted, etc. Let me explain: Sometimes when a girl is (through words, behavior, etc.) making it clear that she might be interested in a particular guy, it can be tempting for said gentleman to act as if he is interested on the surface in order to feel a level of control, security, affirmation. But of course, this goes nowhere! The girl ends up feeling empty because the guy is not authentically interested in her. And the guy feels guilty because he used a girl to feel protective instead of being protective. Just a temptation to be aware of ...

Quote book

"For Mary, receiving the Eucharist must have somehow meant welcoming once more into her womb that heart which had beat in unison with hers and reliving what she had experienced at the foot of the Cross." -- Bl. John Paul II ("Ecclesia de Eucharistia #56).

A life that started on google

There has been a recent crop of articles concerning the discovery of children that they have dozens of half-siblings, each sharing the same sperm donor. Many are on a quest to meet their biological father, and in the process meet their siblings.

I recently came across a TV episode chronicling one man's challenge to tell his fiancee that he has more than 70 children via sperm donation. During the show, he also meets two of his children. Additionally, two young women with a different sperm donor meet for the first time.

It's difficult to watch. All sorts of struggles and uncomfortable situations are inserted into what should be fairly typical relationships. And one can only imagine the implications in 10, 20, 30 years for those involved.

For one, we have Ben's (the sperm donor) fiancee who says over dinner: "I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that you have 50, 60, 70 biological offspring. I kind of deem that as selfish in a way. Did you think of the consequences that would come of it?" To which Ben is left rather speechless.

And later, Sharon, the "single mom by choice" who has two children, thanks to Ben's sperm donation, has a conversation with her 7-year-old daughter before meeting Ben. The mother wants to explain that she is not in a relationship with Ben, nor will she ever be. Yet, the daughter insists that the two must have "broken up" since they were once "married." The dialogue continues as follows:

Mom: "Why would you think that we were married?"

Daughter: "Because you got the sperm."

Mom: "How did Mommy get the sperm?"

Daughter: "Google."

Mom: "Google. That's good."

Goodness! Can one even imagine how the future will be impacted by the thought that life began with google? The entire 43 minute program is filled with heartbreaking scenarios that make one question why the idea to "manufacture" a baby simply because I want one would ever be a good idea. Our choices affect more than just ourselves.

Why do girls get emotionally attached right away?

At a local Catholic high school, a student recently asked, "Why do girls get emotionally attached right away?" I'm certain that the questioner is not the only one in the world asking, so I decided to share a few thoughts:

Simple answer! We all long to be loved, and love wants to say two things: total and forever. So, we are longing to meet the person who will commit to loving us for the rest of our lives. In our desire for this lasting love, we often get several steps ahead of ourselves emotionally (similar to how guys get two steps ahead physically/mentally). Just listen to five minutes of Taylor Swift! Her songs consistently show the yearning that she has for this guy to stay forever, or for this relationship to lead to marriage.

While there is nothing wrong with the desire to be loved, cherished, pursued, protected and respected, we have to remember that these things can only be authentically received, not grasped. Therefore, we have to allow our will to have mastery over our emotions – keeping our thoughts in check, and not fast-forwarding to a wedding day that may never happen.

A lot of times we call this “guarding the heart.” It doesn’t mean making our heart an impenetrable fortress that is incapable of love and vulnerability. But it means allowing ourselves to give and receive love slowly and in reality, instead of quickly in a fantasy world.

Unshakeable Hope: One year of posts

A lot can happen in a year. A new blog can manage to publish about 450 posts in a year. There can be more than 10,000 visitors. All sorts of topics, articles, videos and reflections can be introduced.

It's been a good first year of Unshakeable Hope. Thanks for reading and following and commenting and pondering.

Happy All Saints' Day!

“It is the great multitude of the saints – both known and unknown – in whose lives the Lord has opened up the Gospel before us and turned over the pages; he has done this throughout history and he still does so today. In their lives, as if in a great picture-book, the riches of the Gospel are revealed. They are the shining path which God himself has traced throughout history and is still tracing today.” – Pope Benedict XVI

7 Billion People: Everybody Relax!